You Could Have Had It All

Relationships, distance, and family

I’ve been stuck on the same topic of “Nothing Changes” for a while now. And how within many family systems (especially my own) that nothing seems to ever change. I think right now my focus has been on the feeling of sadness and loss. My family and my spouse’s family are still very much alive, but in many ways we’ve both had to mourn the loss of connection or a relationship with them.

In speaking with my spouse recently we both stated how much pain it brought us to see the change within our own direct family (Myself, Spouse, and Kids) contrasted with the lack of change within those outside of that. And how that has pushed us slowly away from relationship or at least a trusting relationship with our families.

We personally both know that change can happen. People can grow improve and change over time. We’ve seen it in our own lives, and slightly in the lives of our children. Painful slow growth to learn how to treat each other with more respect and care. Winnowing out the harmful behaviors we were taught as children within our own homes. And slowly learning how to deal with mental health issues, trauma (big T and small t), and neurodivergence.

To see extended family contrasted with that is frustrating at best. And often heartbreaking at other times. Whether they ever understand it or not my family and my spouse’s family has not adapted or learned over the same period of time. And that has very much pushed us further away emotionally. For myself and my family those times have probably been when I’ve confronted my mom about abuse within the organizations and churches she supports.¹ Or from seeing verbally aggressive behavior towards my nieces and nephews from my father.² Clear reminders that my father hasn’t learned to care emotionally for kids. Discussions with my mother reminding me that my mother is not capable of seeing the harm that is ingrained into fundamentalism.³ Even when presented with exact and personal examples.

I’ve spoken before about why I left Michigan.⁴ And those are all still factors there as well. A lack of boundaries and pushing a very specific conservative faith onto my children is still extremely upsetting. And I stand by what I wrote in early 2023. But in many ways it’s not just their faith and beliefs that have continued to upset me since we’ve left. It’s been their unchanging attitude and dismissal of abuse that has been the most worrying. Nothing has changed. And they’ve watched their child (me) slowly leave (physically and emotionally) and somehow that wasn’t enough to provoke introspection.

In fact I’ve had many conversations since early 2023 where my mom has loudly defended physical abuse, dismissed sexual abuse, and ignored any discussion around verbal abuse. I spoke at length with her in 2024 regarding how I felt after witnessing my father’s direct and violent responses to the children in his life. And I was told that it wasn’t my job to police my father’s behavior; my siblings should instead police his behavior if they have an issue with how their children are being treated. And how everyone has to endure some type of discomfort when visiting family.

This isn’t the environment I want for my kids or honestly even myself at this point. But emotionally I’m very caught up in the feeling that “This could have been so different.” Hell, at one point I lived within a stones throw from my brother and my niece and nephews. Our kids could have had close relationships with their cousins and we could have literally walked them next door to visit.⁵ My kids were emotionally close with several of their aunts and my mom. They could have had a relationship even now, if I was actually able to trust them. Instead of choosing dogma, pseudoscience, and rigid views on discipline they could have adapted those beliefs and changed. I know it’s possible. But I doubt that will ever occur.

I mourn that loss of connection for me, my spouse, and my children. How can you explain to a child that, yes, your grandparents care deeply for you….but you can’t discuss any part of your health or gender with them. “Grandpa loves you….. he just thinks queer kids are possessed by demons.” Yeah, that sounds highly loving. /s I have an autistic child, and they are not able to compartmentalize very well. It’s a very black and white world to them, lies even told lovingly are going to be view as lies and misdirection.

How can one explain the level of indoctrination within fundamentalism to a child? How truth can to someone with a fundamentalist home can be objectively (provably) wrong but still held by the individual as truth. How can you possibly hope to explain that family isn’t intending harm, but that what they are teaching or telling you (the child) are lies? How can I explain the conspiracies to my child that my parents deeply believe and discuss every time I speak with them? My parents seem wrapped up in an alternative dimension where Q remains the only true source of truth regarding the government. Scientists, the government, and every corporation are all lying to you. And the Illuminati control all aspects of life. 911 and the moon landing didn’t happen. Top government officials have been dead for years and now are played by actors in silicone suits. These are beliefs that they “know” are true.

Or how can I tell my children that I have no intention of visiting family in the foreseeable future. They look back fondly of the time when we lived in Michigan and often ask to visit. And in some ways I do look back fondly on that time in my life as well. I miss the stars as there is much less light pollution in a rural city. I miss the easy access to Lake Huron. I miss blueberry picking in the woods. And I do miss the relationships I once had. But in many ways I’m simply mourning what could have been, rather than what was.

This could have had a different outcome. An outcome where my children could live in contact and in close relationship with their extended family. One where I could be outwardly queer and still have a relationship with my family. But I cannot make that happen.

I’m not able to change my family or anyone within a fundamentalist Christian home. And I’ve slowly had to come to terms with my feelings of helplessness regarding that. But for now I’m just going to have to sit with it. And sort through my feelings about how a relationship with family (both mine and my spouse's) may not be possible.

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5. We did not or could not because my SIL has made it abundantly clear that our kids are not welcome within her home (nor hers within our home). Unless of course there is a large family gathering happing (have to maintain appearances of course).